Care Beyond Desire
by Seraph05
Summary: As Sawyer recovers he contemplates Kate and their relationship. I wanted to justify the I love her that Sawyer is supposed to have said about Kate to Jack, whether he was just delusional or not. A sequel to Welcome Home. Please read, enjoy and review


Half asleep. Half awake. But still aware. The pain made sure of that. It got worse suddenly and a dull spark in his mind told him to move but all he could do was grimace weakly and squirm a little. He heard a voice.

"Sorry man I know this hurts. Michael told me you pulled the bullet out with your bare hands. You'll have to show me how to do that some time."

It was Jack. What was that? Admiration in Jack's voice he thought with a slight twinge of pride though it faded quickly. Nothing seemed to last in this frail state he was in. Except for the longing. A yearning he wasn't use to. Anger was customary, sadness bearable, pain tolerable while longing…this longing did not diminish so hastily. To ease it he thought he'd try talking. Maybe they'd hear him this time.

"Where is she?" he whispered, barely audible but Jack responded.

"What?" Jack asked leaning closer.

"Where is she?" he repeated with all the strength he could muster. He missed her presence. The familiar tones of her voice mingling in his ears. Her hand on his. He swore, though he had not opened his eyes, that she had even been gazing at him.

"You mean Kate?"

From the night before the raft launched he had known there was something he felt for her that he had felt for no other. When they faced each other, either side of the fire, feelings of hate, remorse and sadness mixing between them it was his feelings that concerned him most. As he watched the soft contours of her face lit up by the bright flames his heart had hurt. He had stated with a false snigger that apologies didn't suit him but he had felt sorry for what he had done. He told her he was leaving because he had nothing to stay for but the truth was he was leaving because he might've found something to stay for. His thought might be beginning to stretch to another and after living his whole life thinking only for himself it was frightening the way, with her, care had begun to extend beyond desire. Walking away from her was one the hardest things he'd ever done, that night. Especially after what she said. It was almost like a question to which he didn't know the answer "Be safe Sawyer". She had the luxury of saying what she wanted to. Getting it off her chest. Showing that she worried for him even after what he'd done to her mere hours ago; but he hadn't. His reply was a dry "yeah". Things were left unsaid. He was unsure of what to say although he knew something inside him had changed. So he had just turned and looked at her for a moment in place of saying what he did not understand. From that moment on she was in his mind. The next day he caught a glimpse of her when everyone was helping to push the raft into the water. The words still caught in his throat so he looked away though he knew she had turned to watch him too. He wondered after her as they launched the raft and she wasn't among the faces saying farewells. He wondered after her as he sat reading through all the notes in the bottle, was her note there, what would it say, why did he care. He wondered after her as he swam, wounded through the icy ocean waters searching for Jin, Michael and Walt. In that moment when the island came into view and he said, "we're home" she was on his mind. He had heard absence makes the heart grow fonder but didn't realize how true it was till now.

"She's been watching over you for the last 24 hours"

Maybe she felt this way too. On the night Walt was taken Mike, distraught and angry, had told him that he couldn't possibly understand because he had never loved anyone in his life. At the time, drifting on the splintered burnt remains of the raft, he did not argue. He knew it was true. No one had ever been proud of him. No one had smiled at him lovingly. No one had cared for him tenderly. No one had worried about him or come to help him in his times of need and he had not returned or wished to return such affection as that. However as Michael had told him and he accepted he could hear Kate's voice "Be safe Sawyer" faltering as though she might've cried.

"The only way I could get rid of her was to send her out to get food for you"

Maybe this was it. Maybe this is what it feels like…maybe…

"I love her"


End file.
